Susie's Day

I dreaded this day all year. I almost got out of it and all, with my changing my phone number, but being my neighbor she just stopped by, walked into my house and yelled at me for not being assessable. Then again, Susie is like that. She doesn't doesn't notice my boundaries. If my jeep is in my drive way, she will walk in. If she calls and I do not pick up, she will just show up in my house without knocking. "I tried calling and you didn't answer your phone." I like Susie, she is my friend. Sometimes I just don't want to be near Susie. Or anyone. "Oh yes, I heard the phone ring. I just didn't want to answer it." That offends Susie to no end. "But it was ME. Just wanted to see what you are up too." If there is a strange car parked in my driveway for overnight, she wants to know who's it is. But then again, she has hauled my garbage out to the end of my driveway on pickup day. Some time she would come and check on me, before my transplant, to make sure I was not unconcious on the floor.Her kids are grown beasts and her husband a lazy pig, but Susie is a good person.
"You got Wednesday off?", she asks. Why is she bothering to ask, I think, you know my schedule better than I do. "Yes", I replied weekly, knowing full well what she was up too. "Well then, your going with me to celebrate." I was cornered in my own home with no way out. "Susie, I'm in my jammie's here girl, do I look like a party?" "You'll get better. And put on some clothes. Answer your phone when I call you on Wednesday before I come get ya."
Her birthday lunch would be good, that I knew. But she would eat like a girl. A bland girl who avoided spice the way I avoid unnecessary chatter on my few moments to myself, and only ate a minuscule amount of salad and spend the rest of the day complaining of how full she was. And then she would drag me from potpourri shop to candle shop then to the incense store and the bed and bath, boutique to boutique trying her best to make a girl out of me, all the while my head would start to pound and my nose would a suffer few small aneurysms from the mass fake chemical aroma's infused into the decoratives I would have to admire for my friend and the board shop keepers entertainment. All the while I swear to myself and sneak furtive glances at my watch, and promise myself by next year I will make up an excuse not to do this again, and day dream of painting my bathroom light lacier blue or sitting in my chair watching "My life as a dog", while eating cardamon buns and not caring if I zip my jeans ever again.
But every year it is the same. The best part is when she pulls into my yard and I jump out of her truck clutching a gift bag of something stinky and floral I don't want and plan on chucking into the garbage as soon as I get in my door, but turn and chirp, "Hey Susie thanks. Thanks for taking me for a girl day for my birthday." And she answers with her big brown eyes shinning, "Yes, it was fun. Lets do it again next month OK?"
And I won't. Cuse I'm not a nice person, like Susie.

*not actual b-day and even tho it sounded lesbian (due to last post) wasn't

Man Made Lesbian

Ten of the gayest things I've ever done.

1-My use of Aqua Velva on my face instead of pour refiner.

2-Mmman boobs.

3-Wearing the clunky heavy soled clogs I wear to make me look taller.

4-My delight at playing a shepard in the Sunday school nativity play.

5-Polishing the chrome on my Harley instead of my nails.

6-The aerobic club I started that never made it out of the sauna.

7-The time I dressed up as Tommy Lee Jones in "Men in Black" for Halloween and wore my costume for a solid week.

8-The time I woke up in my girlfriends arms, tho I'm pretty certain we didn't really do anything homosexualist as it would of woke up the other girl in the bed.

9-The application I filled out for the bouncer position at "The Gay Nineties."

10-Following two feet behind the gay pride parade to pick up litter. In my clogs and Halloween costume.

So there now, I've confessed. How bout you?

Me Meme

So some woman think it is difficult to list ten positive things, (skills, physical attributes, and strenghs) about themselves. Not me.

1- I am coordinated enough to flush a public toilet while wearing high heels and a short skirt with my foot.

2- I am suave enough to maneuver through an entire cocktail hour/ dinner party while wearing one "water" saturated leather pump with poise.

3-I can hold really hot food in my mouth with out blistering.

4-I am fearless in the kitchen and bedroom. (Bathrooms scare the willies out of me. ssh.)

5- I am excellent at tv watching and always know just when to change the channel.

6-Spanking in public doesn't bother me at all.

7-The Stones wrote, "Little Rock and Roll", about me.

8- I always have bail money.

9- I have enough hair on my head to nest a million rats.

10- I rock ridiculous lists.

Bella

I heard Bella before I saw her.
Her jewels jingles and her scarf swished as she entered the room softly.
Then I smelled her.
Rare flowers and exotic essential oils wafted my nostrils.
She was right beside me at the counter so I turned my head and stared.
Holy shit she was beautiful.
Everything about her screamed money.
But in a soft melodious voice.
Even though the kitchen was closed I made her lunch.
As I would have done if she had spent the last two years of her life in a filthy gutter.
She would only eat salad.
"Keep me on my diet sweet love", Bella implored.
She's going to be a pain in the ass, I thought.
But she would come into the kitchen to hug and kiss me for every meal I made her.
I was sad she was leaving with the sun.
I bent down at the dinner table to whisper in her ear.
"I steamed you a shrimp stuffed filet of sole for dinner."
"And a fat free, sugar free raspberry panna cotta for desert".
Bella threw her arms around me and pulled me close to kiss me.
She stroked my cheek where her lips had been and left her hand there looking in my eyes.
If anyone else had done that I would have squirmed with discomfort.
"Mi amori. You are beautiful."
I think that's what she said in her language.
"I'm taking you home with me to my country, yes?"
"Yes."
I did not have the grace to hesitate.
Bella was bountryless bella.

Sea Monkey Panna Cotta

This is for Rootie, Batty, and Moon. The rest of you, avert your eyes and hum.

1 packet unflavored jello
1 packet freeze dried sea monkey (avalible in back of any comic book or specialtiy food store)
1/2 cup water
3 cups plain yogurt
clear plastic cups

Sprinkle jello powder over water in small sauce pan and let soften, about 5 min. Stir and bring just to a boil, until disolved. Let cool and add sea monkeys and yogurt, mixing well. Pour into plastic cups and chill until set, 2-4 hours. To unmold, dip cup in warm water and invert on dessert plate. You can serve this on a bed of lettuce with a lemon garnish, silmular to salmon mousse. Our gold fish love it. Or you can substitute cloudberry or lingonberry preserves in place of monkeys and garnish with warmed sieved jelly.

Because I make no attempt to change

This week you have not three but for choices to vote on, each of them true. One may however be a book.

Poh Poh Poh Poh and Poh:
Lord. Five of them. Is this a needed thing? If she where awake she might care, or at least put on some clothes. Ok officer, bam. I know the back door's here somewhere...

The New Beautiful:
She is one tall drink of water, plus a hiccup and a beltch to boot. Her awkwardness and shyness resins a painful self conscious echo in me. Kirstin will be my next best friend. She just doesn't know yet how much she will love Kirstin.

Tip O'Neal Speaker of the House
"I am but a poor squirrel trapped in a damn cat's body! And a vegan too. Let me out! Get Morry's people on the phone, I am a trans-creature with feelings! Meaoow!"

Bella:
She bent down to whisper in the sophisticated lady's ear. "Bella mi amour!" was the lady's response as she hugged her and kissed her. "I will take you home with me yes?" "Yes."

There you go. Vote now. First hundred to vote will receive my own personal recipe for sea monkey favored panna cotta and a picture of me lost in a deserted train station somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.
(And Yes Batty, My list does include my international love affairs, if not directly, the repercussions are at least mentioned in numbers 1-9.)

Top Ten List List

My New Years Resolution:
Make a list of the top ten lists I plan to write. (And once again swerve around that tricky paragraphs and punctuation thing.)

10- Top ten times I've had to have a forien object removed from my body.
9- Top ten ways to freak an angry person over the edge.
8- Top ten UFO/paranormal/bigfoot sightings.
7-Top ten get rich quick ideas by crazy er eccentric means.
6- Top ten scary places I've been lost.
5-Top ten times letters of apology I've written, or should have.
4-Top ten ridiculous lies I've told and gotten away with.
3-Top ten non fabric items I've made into clothes.
2-Top ten songs I've written around the word "off".
1-Top ten hot and torrid love affairs with the famous and infamous or just deluted.

Did I mention the Icelandic tried poisoning me with Gravlox? Watch you backs Siggi and Suri. I lived. Happy New Year.